My Biggest Secret

Hi World,

It's been quite a while (just a few years) since I last wrote, and as you can imagine, a lot has happened. And I'm sure the same goes for you too.

So what have I been up to?

Well for starters, the version of me attempting to start a blog was a 25 year-old who just moved out of her house for the first time, ever. Never going away for school and feeling anxious even when visiting friends at college. I knew it was a big deal to move (especially 1,000 miles away from family and friends but a 3-hour plane ride to the sunny state of Florida). My body found it to be an even bigger deal. I'll explain.

It was early December 2017 and there was enough going on such as packing, finishing a final, wrapping up things at my soon-to-be prior job, the holidays, etc. to make me think I was getting run down. I started getting this pressure feeling in my chest that I thought was due to a sinus infection or cold or whatever. One night, I took some medicine, tirelessly worked on my final project, and got ready for bed. My chest started feeling really tight, my heart started beating fast, and I was sweating. I woke my mom up as I thought I was having an allergic reaction to the medicine I took. My mom felt my chest and then we quickly got in the car to head to the ER.

Waiting in the triage room made nervous. I looked down at my Fitbit watch and my heart rate read 176 - and I was just sitting. My breaths started to get shorter and I felt like I couldn't breathe. My skin felt like it was off of my body - so hard to explain. I was shaking. The nurses and doctors took me in and ran a bunch of tests, specifically on my heart and lungs.

If you're waiting for a climax to this story, there isn't one.

The nurse came back and basically said, "Everything came back negative. What you were experiencing was a panic attack." "What?! A panic attack?! I literally felt like I was going to die." What made me feel a little better was that there is something in the medicine I took that kind of gives you a little pep, and I'm sensitive to even the slightest bit of regular coffee. I didn't think this would persist. But that was the episode that kind of changed my life for the past 3 years.

Long story short, I left for Florida with my boyfriend soon after my "panic attack." I felt off when I got there. I started a job. I had to quit after a month because of "medicine reasons" but in reality it was because I wasn't sleeping, eating, showering, moving. I was however, breathing, crying, throwing up (sorry to go there), and feeling so off. The corner of the couch became my favorite spot and the New Girl on repeat was my favorite show to try to fall asleep to. My mom flew in to see me to try to bring me back to life. She saw how bad I was and had me come back to NY. I was back and forth from NY to FL seeing numerous doctors, psychologist, psychiatrist, acupuncturist, practicing in yoga and meditation to get me on a road to better eating, sleeping, health in mind, body, & soul.

On my journey to healing, I started my website and then along came this blog. It was an outlet. I even started reading and I hated books, another outlet. Books have the capability to take you away from your own crafted thoughts and into someone else's mind. Perfect for "anxiety." Which is what I was "diagnosed" with.

A few months after dealing with this new way of life, I applied for a part-time job to try to help myself become acclimated. That's when I started working at LOFT. I thought I took leaps backwards. I have my Bachelor's in math, started my MBA, I had a full time job, I was "adulting," and then I went back to work a part-time minimum wage job? (Side note: when people think mental health is not a serious issue, try to put yourself in those shoes.) But whatever, it's all I felt comfortable with at the time and I didn't want to give in and give up on myself. I knew I needed to take baby steps. However, LOFT was probably one of the best things that happened to me (along with watching dogs on Rover). I met the absolute nicest southern bells. I was open about my anxiety. I was honest with myself. I was true to my feelings. And these girls accepted me for who I was, shared their deepest secrets with me, and welcomed me with open arms.

It was around April when Kevin, my boyfriend, got a letter in the mail that left us with a big question mark over our heads for what would be the next 6 months. He had the opportunity to start the testing for the police academy. Not knowing what would come out of that, I started applying to full time jobs. I felt OK enough to do so but not the same old me. Regardless, I landed a dream job - to work for Florida Blue (Blue Cross Blue Shield of Florida) as a Brand Specialist (which goes in line with my MBA degree in marketing that was/still am pursuing). They actually said my website/blog was part of the reason I got the job. I LOVED my job. It was exactly what I wanted to do in terms of creativity and analyzation. I worked on various campaigns and managed huge million dollar budgets. I had an amazing boss and an outstanding coworkers, one of which has the same birthday as me so you know it's love. The same week I started my job was the same week Kevin left for NY. He got the job. And so did I. In two different states.

It was November 2018 when I received an out-of-the-blue call from a prior individual I used to intern for, asking me what I am up to - lol. "Well," I said, "I'm going to be completely honest with you. I live in Florida right now, my family and boyfriend are in New York, and I'm trying to get back there eventually." He said he might have something for me and to hang tight. I did. Weeks went by and he reached out saying his colleague would like all of us to chat. The chat went well, I flew up for an interview, and I got the job. So many emotions went through me. I was so happy to get back to NY with my family and boyfriend, to work for a great company with an awesome job, but I was leaving my newly found soulmate friends, my dream job, and the sunny weather. Bittersweet to say the least.

Before I moved from FL to NY, I moved within the state of FL (well that's confusing). My lease was up so I moved in with my friend Laura who I met from Rover (because I watched her ham sandwich of a dog, Bailey, AKA Bae). Prior to that, I broke my humerus bone - in half. I had to get surgery. I now am an owner of a titanium plated bone with 8 screws. It was a bad break. I lost all function of my hand but I thank God that I have it today. I've told this story so many times (people ask when they see the scar - which I don't mind at all) but basically what happened was my solid wood headboard fell on my arm when I was taking apart my bed. I'm pretty sure it is like 300lbs - that's what I keep telling people anyways. Everyone was amazing throughout it all - my neighbors, my friends, my family, work, nurses, doctors, ugh the list goes on.

To bring you up to speed, I am back in NY still trying to figure out this anxiety thing. Still trying to tackle it from every angle. I go to therapy, my PCP, a psychiatrist, I get acupuncture (cupping is my favorite - painful pleasure), I take anxiety medication and CBD gummies (as needed). Recently I'm trying to workout (now that I can) and eat healthy. Anxiety is tricky and every aspect of your life plays a role in it. I'm constantly trying to decode my psychology but it's all just theories and a process of elimination. But what helps one day might not help the next. What makes it worse one day, might make it terrible another. Who really knows what's going on in this brain of mine. And it's so hard to explain what anxiety is for people who say they don't get anxiety.

With the anxiety medication and breaking my arm, I gained 30lbs. From this January 2020, to now May, I have lost 25lbs. Proud of myself. More proud of myself for the work I did on myself and my mind. I am used to be on 20mg of Lexapro, I am now on 5mg. I read. I read motivational books. I surround myself with positive people - huge. I value sleep so much. I eat clean and pure foods and give my body the best nutrients I can. I drink so much water. I go for so many walks. I spend time with nature, and my dogs - love those boys. I listen to myself. I'm proactive with my anxious feelings. I put up boundaries - I tell people when I need a break, and those closest to me understand. I see a nutritionist and I drink Arbonne protein.

Through all this, I thank God for the absolute most caring, patient, loving, amazing boyfriend. Of course there has been ups and downs. He doesn't get anxiety but he had tremendous amounts of empathy for me and did everything he could think of to help. He would even come to me and say "I read that this might help." (Heart = melted).

I just wanted to come on here and put it out in the world. I hate feeling like I have this big secret I'm hiding from. It feels good to scream it from the rooftops (or just writing it all out on this blog). I hope this story inspires you be vulnerable because being vulnerable is a beautiful thing. Brené Brown would agree (favorite person). It allows you to be your unapologetic unique self. If you do associate with anxiety, I hope this comforts you.

Thank you for reading my story.

With the most amount of love,

Jac

#anxiety #mentalhealth #secret #overcome